


A Darkened Plume To Stay

by starkboi



Series: Flesh and Bone [1]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Agoraphobia, Angst, Depression, Gen, Internal Monologue, Iron Man 1, No Dialogue
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-12 03:40:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11728752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starkboi/pseuds/starkboi
Summary: Some nights are good, some are bad. This one's just in-between.





	A Darkened Plume To Stay

**Author's Note:**

> this is set mid iron-man 1, so after afghanistan but before tony knows about obie & the reveal of him being iron man.
> 
> i don't think this is that dark, but heed the tags and take care of yourself.
> 
> other than that, enjoy!

Tony blinks.

And tears spring out the corners of his eyes, he’d been staring unwavering at his bedroom ceiling, for no reason other than it’s the only concrete thing he can focus on. He doesn’t bother to wipe the tears, letting them slide down, a cold trail inching its way to the sides of his neck before settling in his collarbone. Tony doesn’t know how long exactly he’s been laying here. Could be minutes, maybe hours. He’s the kind of tired that you feel deep in your bones, creaky and ever consuming, but something’s keeping him awake.

It’s not the first night this has happened, not even the first night this week. He considers bypassing trying to sleep altogether. JARVIS is on mute while Tony tries to block the rest of the world out, but he’s sure the AI wouldn’t mind an early start.

He cranes his neck to the electronic clock that Pepper insists he keep somewhere in the vicinity of his bed, too many times has he asked JARVIS to snooze all his alarms indefinitely.

3:42am.

The red numbers dare him to attempt to leave his homemade cocoon.

Maybe another time.

Tony pulls the covers up and tight over his head, nuzzling down deeper into his sheets.

In here he doesn’t have to focus on anything, it’s warm and comforting, and so far from the non-stop of the world outside. The blue of his arc reactor lights up the confined space, but he doesn’t mind. The blue reminds him of the ocean, and he tries to remember the last time he even set foot on the beach. He can see it from his bedroom window, just in reach but still too far. There’s no time for laying out and catching the sun’s rays with his life, and he’ll do anything to avoid sand for the time being.

From inside here, there’s no one asking him to make this, sign here, and watch how you’re doing that.

Tony revels in it.

Not to say he isn’t immensely grateful to even be who he is. But, he’s the only one who has to live in his body, while everyone else wants a piece of the Tony Stark. Too often do they seem to forget he is a human, same as them. Albeit now with a few extra parts, that set him apart from the norm.

He taps a familiar beat on his chest, the sound reassuring him that he’s still here, his battery has not run out, he’s not going to wake up in a hot cave in Afghanistan with no reassurance of his survival.

But he did survive.

Although, parts of him are now lost that he’ll never get back.

He has an event in a few days’ time that Pepper informed him by no means can he miss. Tony wouldn’t ever be able to count the number of galas, and parties, and charity event’s he’s been to in his life. Yet, they still make him just as anxious.

The small talk and the fake cheer are exhausting, a person can only take so much of it.  

He has memories of his mother bundling him up in itchy suits as a kid, reminding him of the proper etiquette he was to follow. Jarvis would look on and only speak up once his mother was done fretting, sneaking him a few sweets for Tony to chew on throughout the night, and making Tony laugh as he commented on the particular shade of blue his mother had chosen for his tie.

Tony takes in a shuddering breath and tries his hardest to stave off any more tears from making a home on his stained cheeks.

Jarvis, the real Jarvis, was so in tune with Tony as a child, he misses the man something terrible. He was always there in the background, with Tony through the thick of it, when his father’s drinking saw new heights, and his mother withdrew greater into herself.

While there wasn’t always words he could provide that would help or make a difference, he never let Tony get away with wallowing alone. Always there to shove up beside him in Tony’s makeshift forts his mother disapproved of for him using the fancy cushions to build, he’d tell stories of his childhood home a world so far from Tony’s, it almost seemed made up. He’d drag Tony out of bed, and to the back garden to teach him about all the different kinds of plants and flowers, Tony would delight in the feeling of his hands deep in the soil, Jarvis letting him rip out weeds and trim thorns off the roses after they were pulled.

He would always go back to this feeling eventually, an overwhelming sense of never being good enough. The weight of what if’s sinking him down like cinderblocks were tied to his feet.

Pepper tries her best, coaxing him out of his shop, and distracting him with her signature snark and kind smiles. She’s tried on several occasions to get him to see a therapist, Tony plays the distraction game until she grumbles about him being the master of avoidance.  

The thing is, he’s gone to therapists in the past, with his family history it’d be surprising if he hadn’t. The doctors would throw words like depression, and agoraphobic at him and Tony would autopilot nope out of there. Words like that set off alarms in his head, words like that can mean incurable and life long struggle. Tony doesn’t know how to deal with things he can’t fix.

He had been maintaining a semblance of stability before Afghanistan. He’d been able to spend more time with Rhodey, and attend more events without cancelling last minute with a watery excuse. Now though, after he’d eaten a burger on the floor at a press conference before shutting down essentially his entire company, it’s safe to say he’s tightrope walking a very thin thread.

Tony pokes his head out to check the time again.

4:28am.

He loses time often when he’s in these moods. Hours slipping away and vanishing, seemingly like smoke. He’d do anything for the world to stop for 10 minutes, so he’d have a chance to catch his breath. It’s an impossible thing to wish for, but that doesn’t make him want it any less.

Here under his sheets and in his pitch-black bedroom, he can pretend it’s attainable. Nothing can touch him here, he’s alone but not lonely.

In a few hours, he’ll have to get up, paint on a smile and get to work on the Mark 2.

The board and Obie want him to take some time off to “heal”, Tony knows it’s more like they want him to go back on his decision. But he’s been in this business long enough to know SI will bounce back, he’s taking control now, of the one thing he can.

He’s had his body mutilated and his mind taken to the darkest places he thinks he’ll ever see. But, he’s still here and he’s not giving up and letting this ruin him.

After all, it’s what people expect of him, he’s only allowed to show weakness if it’ll sell papers.

He has his suit now, no one know it’s him, complete anonymity. It’s a new feeling, a good feeling. There’s no expectations, it’s just like this feeling now, as he’s laying here. A cocoon for his body while he’s out there in the world, one he can keep with him.

Tony doesn’t bother to check the time again, JARVIS will alert him when he has to get up, it’ll be awhile still before he’s able to fall asleep. He takes deep breaths, his pulse slowing, and his nose tickling from the tears he finally let’s fall.

But it’s okay here, he’s safe. He repeats it over in his head, the words comforting like those nights in his forts with his childhood butler, and the smell of fresh soil.

It’s okay here.

He’s safe.

 

**Author's Note:**

> this was very therapeutic to write, i'm working my way through a few of my WIP's and this one called out to me.
> 
> any and all feedback is welcomed and appreciated!


End file.
